Sunday, April 10, 2011

Wisconsin Inundated By Walker's Terds

In what is being called one of the largest ongoing public gubernatorial acts of excrement in state history, Scott Walker took another monstrous dump on the state of Wisconsin last Thursday, April 7, 2011. By storing nearly 9000 “votes” in his lower rectal cavity and then sending the payload directly into the outstretched arms of Waukesha County Clerk Kathy Nickolaus, the governor once again proved his mettle as the largest and most consistent poop distributor ever in the humble state of Wisconsin..

Legions of citizens crowded the streets in towns like Brookfield, Appleton, and Racine and basked in the wondrous onslaught of dung. Like migrating birds returning to their native lands during spring, Walker's poo seems to have covered every square inch of Wisconsin soil. “Soon we will all be able to see and reap the benefits of this fantastically rich compost,” crap assessment specialist and state DNR head Cathy Stepp announced.

Mere steps from the state capitol in Madison, Assembly Speaker Jeff Fitzgerald was all smiles. He even took a short break from cleaning the governor's bowel movement from between his teeth with a once unsullied white dish rag to pose for pictures on the capitol lawn. “Indeed folks, Wisconsin certainly seems to be open for business.” the feisty Republican announced. “I for one know my dry cleaner just hired a clerk. Only 249,999 to go!”

The governor's personal physician took a positive, if less vigorous stance when questioned about the well being of the governor's sphincter. “The governor's colon is showing a tremendous amount of resilience,” said Dr. Peter Venkman. “We all know he can fit his whole head up there. But even with this recent deluge of more feces there are still no signs of rectal bleeding.”

State wide, snow removal machinery and vehicles are normally mothballed and garaged by mid April. However, last week the Wisconsin DOT head Mark Gottlieb outlined in a memo sent to all county seats that snow removal equipment should remain ready for work throughout the summer. “We just don't know how deep this anal windfall will accumulate over the course of the year,” mentioned Gottlieb. “Our governor is capable of an immense amount of poop production, and we must ensure that Wisconsin roadways are open for interstate commerce particularly during the vacation season.”

Clean up efforts in and around Milwaukee are ongoing. $7.2 million originally appropriated to clean tape stickum from inside the state capitol was funneled to the Georgia Pacific Corporation in Green Bay, a Koch Industries subsidiary. The makers of Quilted Northern Bath Tissue intern sent 4 semi trucks laden with toilet paper to Milwaukee's city hall. “We sincerely hope that our TP will be distributed for clean up throughout Milwaukee County,” stated corporate spokesman Jeremy Alexander. “Georgia Pacific Inc. only hopes to continue to be absorbent in the wake of the governor's loose bowels and pocketbook.”

Saturday, March 19, 2011

My Thoughts.

We feel more connected than ever before.  We have countless sources of information available to us at all hours of the day and night.  Until recently, this amount of data would have been nearly unimaginable to most of us.   We generally surround ourselves with as much of this data as we please and generate a cocoon of knowledge that we base our beliefs on.

But what happens when we learn that we are more disconnected than we could have dreamed?  How can we deal with the fact that with all of this information we are losing the ability to communicate with each other?  What do we do when we learn that the media we surround ourselves with are inaccurate and do not tell the real truth?

It took an event that was deemed worthy of “national news” status to happen in my backyard for these realities to strike home to me. The massive protests against governor Scott Walker's bill thrust myself and my friends into the limelight. Suddenly I was living the events that normally one must use mass media to learn about.  At first it was fascinating to see how my cause and my peers were part of the news.  As our involvement and the gravity of the situation grew deeper, we found ourselves in search of accurate information on a minute to the minute basis.  

The interesting part of this was that as my urgency to be in the know grew, I found it advantageous to turn away from print, TV, and web sources.   Within a few days it was clear that the best information came from human discussion and questioning. Instead of scouring online newspapers to find out what legislators were doing, we either talked to people in and around the state capitol, or scoured blogs of tweets posted by individuals who claimed to be near the action. With a bit of analysis it was easy to figure out which ones were accurate.

The reason for turning away from published sources was for one simple reason.  You could not believe what you read.  What was printed in newspapers and shown on TV wasn't the truth.  At first I glossed over the inaccuracies of the news stories and moved on in my search for information.  But, over time it became clear that these inaccuracies were pervasive throughout all of the various media.  It was a disheartening realization to say the least. When you watch TV or read the newspaper you are getting a carefully controlled and polished version of the truth set to appease the interests of those who pay for or stand to gain by the message.

With these multiple sources of inaccurate information, it is no wonder that we are terribly polarized in our views. Our current leadership is banking on our inability to work together.  They are leading by example in their complete unwillingness to even discuss the massive amounts of new legislation that will greatly affect the very fabric of the lives we live. No wonder we can’t stand to sit in the same room or walk around the same capitol building with our ideological opponents. However, in reality, this ability to communicate is exactly what we need most.  A return to healthy discourse requires freedom from false news and access to each other as people. 

It is clear that those who control the message are doing a disservice to the public as a whole.  What is written, published, and broadcast over the airwaves becomes truth in our America.  Whether we like it or not, our media decide our reality.   We consume what we see and read.  Our decisions and stances are dictated by it. 

Is this why Americans find pop culture icons like Stephen Colbert to be so entertaining?  His genius as an entertainer in that he makes baseless and ridiculous opinions and we as citizens can’t help but laugh to believe that a good number our peers could actually think that what he says is true. His satire is of such a high quality only because pundits such as Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly are so extreme and preposterous in their rhetoric and daily assessments of politics in America.

At this point in my diatribe I want to make my intentions clear.  Here is a call for a step away from corporate owned newspapers and their lackluster money driven journalism.  Here is a call to not base our knowledge on “fair and balanced” newscasts and talking heads so ridiculous that they are almost funny.   Here is a call to step away from 30-second TV commercials to help us decide who we elect.

We need to slow down the speed at which we gain information.  We need to curtail the ability of those with money to shape our beliefs based on what they pay for us to consume through media.  Please, go to the barbershop and talk to the people getting a cut.  Chat up your neighbors as you park your car.  Take time to go to happy hour with the people at work.  Host a pot luck.  Walk around the capitol and see what it is like.  Talk with the people.  Listen.  Experience the news for yourself.  Break down the walls that normally center you on whatever glowing screen is closest to you.

We might just find the truth.  We might just get along.  And we might get what we need.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Approval For Wetland and Forest Pumping Given Nod By Governor

Approval For Wetland and Forest Pumping Given Nod By Governor

Madison – As upheaval continues in response to Governor Scott Walker's proposed budget repair bill, the governor continues to move forth in his efforts to bring the state of Wisconsin's finances into the black from a projected budget shortfall in 2011. The governor announced yesterday his plans to back initiatives that will join state and private interests in utilizing existing Wisconsin natural resources to bring additional funds to state government coffers.
      In an announcement delivered to a largely unattended press conference outside the DNR head offices on Friday, Secretary Cathy Stepp outlined plans for the state to join forces with the corporate entity Invista and the WCPA (Wisconsin Concrete Pavement Association) to open aquifers on or under state controlled lands to pumping with the purpose of extracting drinking water. “This clean, pure, and locally produced drinking water will be bottled in Wisconsin and sold here and in markets throughout the Midwest,” Stepp said.
      She noted that as the quality of municipally produced drinking water continues to come into question, that the state has been blessed with a largely untouched and under utilized clean water resource. Stepp stated that Wisconsin has 5.3 million acres of wetlands, many of which are on fully state owned property. This goes along with the 37% of public acreage that is county and state controlled forest. “The Governor has said that Wisconsin is open for business,” Stepp stated. “He has made it clear that we will utilize all economic opportunities available to us and that our natural resources will be used to benefit and assist the hardworking tax payers of Wisconsin.”
      Invista Corporation, a subsidiary of Koch Industries, is a world leader in the production of polyethylene (PET) containers and has been granted a state contract to begin construction of four bottling sights within Wisconsin. The first two of these bottling plants are slated to be located near Rhinelander and Ladysmith, but are still subject to state approval.
      The governor's report on this pumping initiative indicated that many of the proposed pumping sights are located within wilderness areas of state and county forests. The Wisconsin Concrete Paving Association has been given exclusive rights to contract out offers for leveling and construction of roads to connect pumping sights to existing state and county highways.
      “The benefits of these new roads will be three-fold,” Stepp said. “They will connect pumping sites with existing roads, they will boost local economies with new jobs, and they will provide potential future access for the forestry industry.” Stepp stated that the WCPA will grant these contracts as they deem fit as 'no-bid' offers. She noted that this will streamline the construction process by eliminating the lengthy deliberation that often accompanies distribution of state contracts.
      Per the governor's report, this new state produced drinking water should be available for sale in late 2011 at a variety of retail outlets.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Governor Walker Denied In Application To Finish Degree at UW-Whitewater

Governor Walker Denied In Application To Finish Degree at UW-Whitewater

Whitewater, WI – Chancellor Richard Telfer announced through a press release that governor Scott Walker has been denied in his application to complete his undergraduate studies at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater. This announcement, originally reported in the Madison based newspaper “The Isthmus” confirms that Admissions Director Jodie Hare-Paynter has denied the governor's entry to the university along with his FAFSA (Federal Assistance for Student Aid) application.
      Walker originally attended Marquette University from 1986-1990 where he withdrew from courses a full 36 credits short of graduation. At Marquette's School of Business Administration Walker earned a cumulative GPA of 1.96 over his four years at the university.
      When pressed as to why the current governor was not admitted, Hare-Paynter pointed to Walker's less than exemplary student record at Marquette, along with his complete omission of a required 2000 word application essay. She also pointed out that Chancellor Telfer was quite miffed last month when Walker requested that the university offer him an honorary degree just days after assuming his governorship over the state, and that the governor would be granted no special privilege. “Walker seemed to think that issuance of an honorary degree would bring prestige to the University of Wisconsin Whitewater,” stated Hare-Paynter. She then noted that the governor is welcome to re-apply with a completed application for the next term.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Governor Walker Calls On Teachers To Take 24% Pay Cut

Gov. Walker Calls on Teachers to Take 24% Pay Cut

Madison – Governor Scott Walker continues to tighten the reins on state spending with his most recent initiative to cut the state budget shortfall through the reduction of compensation to state public workers.  “I respect and admire the efforts put forth by our public school teachers, but in this financial climate we must do all we can to balance the state budget,” Walker said from a state capitol press conference Friday. Walker noted that school is not in session for all 52 weeks of the fiscal year and that salaries should be judged on actual work performed—not based on contracts created through the collective bargaining of teacher unions.
      “By paying these teachers for the time they actually work we will be able to fairly compensate them and make sure that their wages are in accordance with the values of all hard working Wisconsinites,” said Walker. Per the governor's formula, teacher salaries will be reduced by 24 percent, considering that with summer and winter recesses, schools are actually in session for only 38 weeks annually. This puts teachers on the job only 76 percent of the time. Walker called these pay cuts “fair” and noted that these pay reductions still allow for 2 weeks of paid vacation throughout the year.
       Walker noted that the average salary of a school teacher in the state of Wisconsin in 2010 was $46,390. Walker compared teacher compensation in Wisconsin to that of neighboring states of South and North Dakota.  Average teacher salaries there are $34,709 and $37,764, respectively. With these new pay cuts Wisconsin teachers will still be making salaries on par with these neighboring states.
      “It is important for us to balance our state budget while still allowing businesses to grow,” Walker asserted. “With these pay cuts, we will assure that we will not have to raise taxes on small businesses and corporations.” The governor is counting on a favorable climate for businesses to help jump start the local economies of Wisconsin cities, where the governor has pledged to add 250,000 new jobs over his term in office.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Governor Scott Walker Calls for Privatization of the Packers

Walker Calls for Restructuring and Privatization of Packers

De Pere, WI – Governor Scott Walker continues his push for increased private ownership in publicly owned entities with a new swing through the Northeast portion of the state of Wisconsin. Calling the Packers “ripe for realignment” and their association with the NFL's players union “lamentable” Walker is making a push to retract all public ownership over the 92 year old franchise. Walker says that he hopes to instill fiscal sanity to the once financially responsible Packers, which has been owned by the city of Green Bay since 1923.
      According to Walker, Green Bay is “open for business” just like the rest of the state. Walker says that he hopes that the end of public ownership of the Packers will allow the team to make an easier split from the powerful and extraneous NFLPA (National Football League Players Association) whose salary demands and compensation packages provide some top players with salaries in the multi-millions of dollars per year. Walker claims that there are plenty of job opportunities for local football players who might find a chance to play professionally for more reasonable wages.
      The governor undoubtedly hopes that with lower salaries to non-union players the city of Green Bay will reap financial benefits. According to the governor, the decreased financial burden on the city of Green Bay will allow local monies once directed towards millionaires like defensive back Charles Woodson to be funneled toward much needed construction projects like the $186 million development and reconstruction of County Rd. 156 connecting Green Bay to neighboring Clintonville.
      “It is time to stop the spending insanity in the public domain,” Walker told a crowd of around 250 at the VFW Post 234 in De Pere. “Green Bay needs overpaid football players about as much as Madison needs overpaid Professors at the UW.”