Sunday, April 10, 2011

Wisconsin Inundated By Walker's Terds

In what is being called one of the largest ongoing public gubernatorial acts of excrement in state history, Scott Walker took another monstrous dump on the state of Wisconsin last Thursday, April 7, 2011. By storing nearly 9000 “votes” in his lower rectal cavity and then sending the payload directly into the outstretched arms of Waukesha County Clerk Kathy Nickolaus, the governor once again proved his mettle as the largest and most consistent poop distributor ever in the humble state of Wisconsin..

Legions of citizens crowded the streets in towns like Brookfield, Appleton, and Racine and basked in the wondrous onslaught of dung. Like migrating birds returning to their native lands during spring, Walker's poo seems to have covered every square inch of Wisconsin soil. “Soon we will all be able to see and reap the benefits of this fantastically rich compost,” crap assessment specialist and state DNR head Cathy Stepp announced.

Mere steps from the state capitol in Madison, Assembly Speaker Jeff Fitzgerald was all smiles. He even took a short break from cleaning the governor's bowel movement from between his teeth with a once unsullied white dish rag to pose for pictures on the capitol lawn. “Indeed folks, Wisconsin certainly seems to be open for business.” the feisty Republican announced. “I for one know my dry cleaner just hired a clerk. Only 249,999 to go!”

The governor's personal physician took a positive, if less vigorous stance when questioned about the well being of the governor's sphincter. “The governor's colon is showing a tremendous amount of resilience,” said Dr. Peter Venkman. “We all know he can fit his whole head up there. But even with this recent deluge of more feces there are still no signs of rectal bleeding.”

State wide, snow removal machinery and vehicles are normally mothballed and garaged by mid April. However, last week the Wisconsin DOT head Mark Gottlieb outlined in a memo sent to all county seats that snow removal equipment should remain ready for work throughout the summer. “We just don't know how deep this anal windfall will accumulate over the course of the year,” mentioned Gottlieb. “Our governor is capable of an immense amount of poop production, and we must ensure that Wisconsin roadways are open for interstate commerce particularly during the vacation season.”

Clean up efforts in and around Milwaukee are ongoing. $7.2 million originally appropriated to clean tape stickum from inside the state capitol was funneled to the Georgia Pacific Corporation in Green Bay, a Koch Industries subsidiary. The makers of Quilted Northern Bath Tissue intern sent 4 semi trucks laden with toilet paper to Milwaukee's city hall. “We sincerely hope that our TP will be distributed for clean up throughout Milwaukee County,” stated corporate spokesman Jeremy Alexander. “Georgia Pacific Inc. only hopes to continue to be absorbent in the wake of the governor's loose bowels and pocketbook.”

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